how to control your ego without hating yourself
I love me, I love me not
Providence, Rhode Island
July 30th 2023
Dear friends,
I hope this letter finds you well and wherever you are and however you may be feeling, you get to experience a little joy today. If last month’s letter did not reach you on a good day, I hope the day you get this is a good day. Last letter I promised I would send this letter on time – I lied again. Truth be told, if an idea for a letter is still ruminating in the folds of my brain; I give it a few days before I attempt to write it out. But I am still sticking to the spirit of the project and delivering a letter a month. So, there’s at least that – still forgive me for my tardiness.
It is a sunny beautiful morning in Providence – a morning with good air quality finally, alhamduillah. This means I can take my silly little walks today. I have brewed myself a little cup of coffee and I’m listening to Mdou Moctar, a Turaeg group from Niger. They were here in Rhode Island this past weekend for the Newport Folk Festival. I still have not gone to the beach this summer – have been meaning to take the beach bus for the past two weekends but alas, sometimes your body tells you today is a day you need to rest, not swim. But inshallah, next weekend.
Something I have been thinking about lately is something I struggle with a lot – the balance between controlling your ego and not belittling yourself. It’s a fine line and too much emphasis on either one can end up violating the rights of others or the rights of your constituent parts (more on that soon). In general, though, I think we as people, do not tend to control our ego enough. Whether it’s the emphasis on individual merit and success – picking oneself up by one’s bootstraps – or inversely, the emphasis on individual self-care and boundary setting (things to be clear are not bad necessarily but can become twisted to feed our worst impulses).
I’ve been thinking about this especially since I saw a prompt on twitter the other day that said to effect, “what’s the point of being a good person?” And that question really made me think – because really, good is subjective. I don’t think anyone really thinks they are an evil or a bad person, at the most people might acknowledge that the things they do are justified even if unsavory – but no one thinks they are the bad guy in the story. We all think we are doing the good, right, moral thing – even if the impacts are profoundly harmful on to others.
Trying to be a “good” person might be a harmful way of looking at it – because ultimately, it comes back to perceptions of ourselves, which is related to our egos. If we build ourselves up on a personality of “goodness”, when we inevitably falter – it can cause a sense of dissonance that can lead us to dismiss any harm we may have caused. For me, I am trying to move away from the framing of being a “good/bad” person (because really who knows – I might be a horrible person in the eyes of some people) – and more towards, I’m going to do my best to do the right thing and do right by others, as God commands. I don’t know if I’m right or not, but I’ll control my ego and hopefully that leads me in the right direction.
But in a world driven by ego, there’s a risk that aiming to control our ego ends up with us second guessing ourselves, doubting our voice and stuck in a never-ending cycle of imposter syndrome. As indulgent and tempting the pursuit of ego can be, on the inverse – this can be debilitating. So, what are we to do? Merely pursue our desires uninhibited, or do we shrink into shells of ourselves.
This is where faith has helped me profoundly. Many of you know that I am faith pilled, but I hope that even if you don’t practice a religion or are very spiritual that you can find some use in this way of thinking. I think of ourselves as having constituent parts – we are made of the body, the mind, the soul and we exist in a world where we have to interact with other people and creatures. The goal is not to violate the rights of any of these parts. We have an obligation to our bodies to take care of it, to give the mind comfort and rest, to ensure the soul is fed. If we work ourselves too hard to please others and it is to the detriment of these constituent parts, then we are violating the rights of sacred creation.
But at the same time our bodies are not temples. They are not to be worshipped, which leads to the pursuit of vanity and excess – which often leads to the violation of others rights. We may also be giving some parts of ourselves more due at the expense of other parts – sometimes we neglect the body to please the mind, sometimes we neglect the soul to please the body. Everything is about balance basically. You shouldn’t feel like you are giving too much of yourself or that you are taking too much for yourself. The best way to take stock of this balance is to think and act with intention. This is best done by reflecting and having quiet time.
Maybe this looks like journaling, taking a walk, mediation or if you’re like me – a combination of all those things combined with the power of prayer. What really helps me (attempt to) strike this balance is the knowledge of God’s mercy. I know that I am an imperfect servant who will continue to sin and make mistakes. But I don’t let that fact of life debilitate or lead me to despair, because I know God’s mercy is endless and infinite. Indeed, it is God’s love that allows me to navigate this fine balance – because I know, I just need to do my best.
One housekeeping note: there are two more letters remaining in this series before it ends. I’ve amassed a number of subscribers and I am trying to figure out what is the best way forward – I do intend to sunset this project in particular but would like to hear from you all. After September 27th, what would you like to see happen? Would you be interested in still receiving a newsletter? Still interested in continuing a PO box format? Let me know.
As always please do write to me. I enjoy receiving your letters.
Abdullah Shihipar
How To Be Alone
PO Box 2457
Providence, Rhode Island
02903
Till next time.
PS: I liked Barbie – not going to do discourse about it, cute movie. Up next is Oppenheimer and this movie I am really interested in seeing this August called Problemista.
Best,
Abdullah