Ever True

reflecting on the past few days

When I got the text message alerting me to RUN HIDE or FIGHT, I was a mile away from campus at the local mosque about to line up for prayers. I hoped that maybe the notification was of a random isolated shooting near Brown’s campus – a tragedy, but not an act of mass violence. After prayers, I headed back to my apartment and checked my phone for updates and began to hear the sirens. These would be a grim constant throughout the evening, as I sheltered in place at my apartment at the base of campus. I saw police cars and emergency vehicles speed up the hill and begin to slowly come back down over the next few hours. Above, a helicopter spent the evening doing circles over the city; the whirr of its blades audible as it passed just above my building.

I texted a student and asked how they were doing – they said they were sheltered in their dorm. Over the next few days, I would hear the stories of those who were in different parts of campus – one student, in a library for over 12 hours. Another, locked out of their dorm and finally checked into a hotel at dawn. People who left all their belongings in Barus and Holley and must wait for the investigation to proceed before they can retrieve them. A wedding party stuck in a church near campus and at the Providence Athenaeum, they passed the time watching films and serving tea. My shelter in place experience was not particularly difficult – I was at home, the heat was on, I had plenty of food and water. All I could do was just stay in my room and hope and pray that it wasn’t as bad as some people feared it would be.

The last few days have felt like weeks. We found out that 2 students – Ella Cook and MukhammadAziz Umurzokov were tragically killed and 9 other students were hospitalized. On Sunday, we thought a suspect had been apprehended only to find out that he wasn’t involved. The city, breathing a sigh of relief on Sunday, has gone quiet. I have walked around the campus a few times, seeing the growing memorial for the students grow at the Van Wickle gates. The students are mostly gone; some remain, alongside some essential staff and a litany of police officers. Businesses in Providence are reporting huge drops in foot traffic – especially on the Thayer Street, the main thoroughfare that runs through Brown’s campus.

I have gathered with cherished friends, colleagues and students over the past few days – over dinner, over coffee, stopping by each other’s offices. Some people deal with tragedy by being alone, but I am not one of those people. I need to burden people with my endless stream of consciousness in group chats and WhatsApp messages. It’s what has kept me out and about even in this time of fear and uncertainty – this is my campus, this is my city and I need to be around it.

I am surprised at how this has affected me if I’m honest and part of me feels like it is a bit indulgent. After all, I did not particularly suffer hardship or stress sheltering in my apartment. But Brown has been my home for the past seven years; first as a student, now as a staff researcher and alum. My career really took off here; I began living alone here – I learned how to swim at the Nelson Fitness Aquatics Center. When I moved to Providence, the city felt small and unfamiliar; it was meant to be a quick stop en route to somewhere bigger. Seven years later, I’m still here and bugging friends to visit me in one of America’s hidden gems. I’ve become a regular at the Dominican place where I can’t eat any of the food (halal life) but I do buy the coffee for an elderly friend of mine – at the risk of sounding like a transplant to New York City, I achieved papi status at that place. At a shawarma shop on Thayer Street, the Syrian uncle asked me the other week why I don’t come to Isha prayers anymore (before y’all say anything – I am still going to prayers, just not that one) – regardless, clocked. I have spent way too much money at the various arts and crafts stores and want to fight every driver on the road who makes left turns like Spongebob. Providence is home. If Toronto raised me, then Providence is teaching me how to be an adult (a work in progress).

As I grapple with the waves of sadness, one thing that has made things worse has been seeing the absolute nonsense that is circulating on social media. Conspiracy theories, doxxing of students, spreading misinformation about the details of the shooting to fit into a broader racist narrative. What the Brown and Providence community is going through is irrelevant to these people. It is a form of entertainment and fodder for some. The cruelty and callousness of such an approach has become far too widespread and it adds to the pain. Uninhibited by the instantaneous nature of the internet, some have forgotten to think before they speak.

This absence of empathy contrasts with the thoughtful and heartfelt response the city of Providence has shown in the past week. Businesses gave students free food – the Dunkin at the TF Green Airport saw that I had a Brown sweater and kindly gave me a discount. All this week people have been asking me how I’ve been doing – people at the mosque, the teller at the Bank of America, a random lady in line at the airport. People have offered assistance to get students to the airport and to help cover the cost of flights. Displaced students have been sheltering with friends, family of friends and faculty. This is the society I want to live in; one that is open, kind and welcoming – not one of suspicion, mistrust and anger.

Over the next coming months, there will be lots of discussions about what went wrong. Lots of talk about how and if the campus needs to change. I don’t pretend to be an expert or know what is effective – apart from the fact that Brown joins a litany of other places suffering from this epidemic of violence in our society, aided by easy access to firearms. What I do wish though is that, despite the pain we’ve endured, Brown remains Brown. A university where people from all over the world come to live together, break bread and share ideas. Where Providence high school students are seen on campus grabbing a bite and the city buses weave in and out of the narrow thoroughfares. A place where community members can come hear speakers and concerts and plays and join us in supporting our students. A place that is far from perfect and has a lot to atone for but has a student and faculty body willing to help push us forward.

More than three years ago, I was at the Van Wickle Gates when I learned of a shooting in a Tops supermarket in Buffalo; targeting Black shoppers. Ten days later, dozens of children were massacred at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas. These events weighed on me as I prepared my remarks for a COVID redo commencement speech at Brown. The gist of which was that despite how hard and painful the world may be, we cannot retreat into passive indifference. We must use the tools and skills we have been endowed with to build that better, kinder society. Now, it is my campus that has been targeted and my message remains the same.

Universities have been under stress this year; with challenges on multiple fronts at the federal and state level. These challenges to funding and academic freedom have increased the understandable urge to pull back from civic engagement and public life. Physical acts of violence also have the same impact; they spread fear and cause people to shrink within themselves. But the only way we create a kinder, more empathetic society is if we continue to engage in the public sphere despite such challenges. I know Brunonians will continue to do so and work for the public good, like they have done and continue to do.

In the aftermath of the Virginia Tech shooting, Nikki Giovanni gave a short two-minute speech, in which she said, “no one deserves a tragedy”. Indeed, no one deserves a tragedy, not the students Brown, not the Black grocery shoppers in Buffalo, not the children in Uvalde. What happened at Brown is exceptional for its location, but not its heartbreak – heartbreak that is becoming all too common nationwide and across the globe – from Gaza to Sudan to Los Angeles and Bondi Beach.

No, no one deserves a tragedy and no one can really prepare for how it will hit you when does it happen. But what we can control is how we act in response to one and hopefully that is with empathy and compassion, like Providence has shown.

We mourn the lives of Mukhammad and Ella and we pray that God makes it easy for their families. We pray that God makes it easy for the injured and for all those who were impacted by this tragedy. Inallahi wa inallahi raji’un – to God we belong and to Him we return.

Ever True.